In my life, I think a number of people misunderstand me. I'm much more comfortable alone, in my own thoughts, away from the conversation. When I do join in, sometimes I'm lively, most times I come off in a less lovable light. I'm honest to myself about that. I don't think that a lot of people in my life, who may have been around for years but aren't so close to me, know who I really am and how I came to be this way.
This struck me the other day when a friend was over and said, "I call you ghost woman. You're either asleep or mad." This irked me. If I was always asleep, then I wouldn't be making moves in life and I wouldn't be where I am. If I was always mad, I wouldn't know how to be joyful about the little things. But, as always, I let this slide and just went about my day.
What dawned on me is that I never really let this person get to know me. I feel like even if we've known each other for almost a decade, he has no idea who I am. I'm just that person who he knows through his close friends. Sure, we're almost practically family, but does family always know about family?
It wasn't the first time I heard a comment like that, and I know it won't be the last. I am sometimes too serious or too closed off, and I admit that this does lead people into making their own conclusions about me. So, today, I want to reflect. I want to give everyone a road map to my personality, just a short excerpt of who I am. This won't be in depth, but it will let you know why I am so serious about even the smallest occurrences. And, yes. Maybe this will show that I just over analyze a bit too much.
Know how to be
self-reliant.
Be responsible for yourself.
I have been and will be spending all of my twenties as a mother. That, in and of itself, is a loaded and honest to reality statement. I never imagined this for myself, but when I had to make that decision, I took responsibility. I think that's the defining word for who I have had to step up and become. Responsible.
I'm not meaning to toot my own horn, but I think I've always been this way instinctively.
Nothing, no matter what people think, has ever been handed to me.
Putting all of that together, I've had to grow up fast, tackle different phases of life all at once. I honestly don't think people, even those close to me, realize it. I have a shell because of this. Sometimes I come off cold, indifferent. I get this about me. Sometimes how I act towards new people is misconstrued as uninviting, unfriendly, just mean. Which, to an extent I can be if I feel offended or provoked. At the same time, I just don't easily trust others because I've been brought up to know that I can and should rely on myself.
Don't be affected by judgmental people.
You don't have to listen.
I went through a lot of my life thinking that I needed to explain myself. Actually, more like I was scared that I would have to explain myself. It was stressful. I guess you can say it was my type of anxiety, an uneasy feeling that someone wants to know more about me. I honestly lived in fear of telling my story. As harsh as it might sound, that was pathetic.
For a long time, I just lived a bit like a recluse. I was there, but not there. I didn't speak up so much. I didn't make my story known. It just wasn't important for me to have people understand me. This was absolute torture and the worse thing anyone can do to themselves. In actuality, I was denying who I was. I only owned up to anything if it was somehow uncovered.
It mind sound cliche, but no one should really have regrets. We shouldn't be ashamed of the decisions that shape us. Sometimes, you just have to not care about what people might say or how they'll react. People can say whatever they want to say, but in the end, judgments are just words. The way we are affected by words, frankly, is our choice. I choose to not pay any mind to negativity towards me.
Trust that there is good in the world.
You'll learn from everyone and everything.
I believe in fate. I feel that each of these is meant to teach us something about ourselves and humanity as a whole. That goes for everything that happens to everyone we meet. Something or someone up there is working for us. There is a message in everything.
If you pay attention, you'll see that the universe really does throw back exactly what we throw into it. I go about my decisions with faith that good can come out of anything, most especially anyone. This is why we should never rule anyone out. Everyone has a story to tell, and whether you want to or not, you'll learn from them.
What are some of your personal philosophies?
